Managing Your Parenting Time

Managing the schedules of families living under the same roof can be a challenge given the current work demands and social activities of parents, coupled with the schooling and activities of their children. Things get more difficult for divorced or separated parents who may not get along and who may find it difficult to communicate about even simple matters. If these parents move on to second families with their own stresses, schedules and time demands, an explosive time management nightmare can result. Most of us are not in a position to hire a personal secretary to manage our time. So what can be done?

The single most effective step can be to document parenting time on a calendar shared by the parents. I recommend taking one day each year to construct a calendar documenting the parenting time for the coming year. After the calendar is constructed it can be given to the other parent for review and after any mistakes are corrected, it can be blessed and shared as the common agreed-upon schedule. It also can be shared with other interested parties such as grandparents and even the children themselves.

One may argue that their parenting time is flexible and fluid and that there is no need for such rigid accounting of their schedule. Yes, co-parenting of non-cohabitating parents works best if each parent is open to accommodating the needs and schedules of the other parent. But the existence of a calendar does not mean it cannot be changed as needs arise. However, even if parents are flexible, each parent should do their best to arrange their lives around their parenting schedule and only swap days when absolutely necessary and when doing so will have minimal impact on the other parent's schedule.

There are many advantages to having a relatively predictable parenting plan and documenting that plan with a shared calendar. One of the most important advantages is that it allows for long-term planning of time away from your children, perhaps with a new spouse. It's nice to be able to look months in advance and plan alone-time.

Another advantage is to remind each parent when they are responsible for picking up their child. Eventually everyone makes a mistake. In the many years I have been co-parenting, I twice picked up my daughter on the wrong day and once failed to pick her up on a day that was my responsibility. My 22-year-old daughter still occasionally reminds me about the time I "abandoned" her at the day care 14 years ago. A shared calendar may be especially important in turbulent cases where the two parents find it difficult to communicate. Once a calendar is constructed and shared, each parent can reference it independently.

Even your children can use the calendar to plan their activities. For example they may want to get together to work on a homework project with a friend who lives near their mother when they are scheduled to be with their mother, or plan a sleepover with a friend who lives near their father when they are with their father. Other advantages may involve third parties such as grandparents. They may want to plan a birthday celebration or just a visit when they know their grandchildren are around.

Another advantage to creating a calendar is that it forces you to interpret the court ordered parenting plan in advance before the scheduled parenting days occur. As with any written document there may be differing interpretations. It is better to implement the schedule in advance, to work out any disagreements. This may avoid surprises and conflicts that could arise when children are picked up or dropped off.

Constructing your calendar for the entire year requires a fair amount of work. You will of course need your divorce agreement. You probably need school schedules, a list of holidays, and whatever other data is required to create the calendar. Parenting plans usually specify parenting time in a prioritized fashion. For example holiday parenting time normally overrides normal weekend and weekday parenting time. Vacation time also usually overrides normal weekend and weekday parenting time.

In the old days I would use a giant erasable wall calendar. First I would write in my weekday and weekend parenting time. Then I would look for holidays specified in the parenting plan and replace (physically erase) anything already written in those time slots. Then I would figure out when the school vacations were and replace anything already written with school vacation week parenting time, then summer vacation time, etc. At the end of this process I would then transfer everything on my wall calendar to a paper calendar and give it to my ex-wife for review. After a few iterations the calendar was deemed acceptable. Then the last step was to transfer the edited paper back to my wall calendar. It was a bit of work, but well worth it. For the entire year the agreed schedule was in place.

When Google calendar came along the process became easier. I got rid of my giant wall calendar. Instead I did the calculations directly on a paper calendar. Then I input the contents of my paper calendar to an electronic Google calendar. When that process was done I shared the electronic copy with my ex-wife for review. After review and after correcting any mistakes we were essentially done. Once in Google the calendar can be printed, easily transmitted to other scheduling software, and even downloaded to your phone. In Google you can also simultaneously display your parenting calendar overlaid by other calendars. For example you might want to avoid scheduling a work meeting late in the day if you are also scheduled to pick up your children on that day. You can also set up notification to automatically notify you of parenting time via email, or phone. If days need to be swapped, it can be triggered by an email that can result in a calendar change that is then immediately available for all those who share the calendar. Things got a lot better.

But still, constructing this calendar each year was a fairly tedious process. To address this, I developed CalendarPlant. CalendarPlant is a free web tool that can publish Google calendars into your Google account. It is especially useful for constructing parenting plans. Parenting time is specified with repeating time frames of varying priority. Time frames with higher priority override those with lower priority. Holiday information is directly assessable in the tool and time frames can be directly associated with those holidays. CalendarPlant remembers your data so you can go back to it at a later time, perhaps next year when you are ready to construct your next parenting plan calendar!

A Professional Counselor's Advice for Parents Seeking Counselors or Parent Coaching

Stress Is Not a Calming Interaction

We are a stress and child developmentally illiterate society. We don't understand our own adult stress. As adults, we are able to ignore and deny our bodily sensations and emotions. Because we are able to get through our day and accomplish our survival needs, we seem to think we don't get stressed. That is, until late at night we wonder why our shoulders are so tense and tight or we can't sleep and we need "something" to relax us.

A stressed-out parent cannot calm a stressed-out child.

The Parent Non-Blame Zone

Parents do the best they can with what they know. By the time parents seek counseling or coaching, they have usually spent years struggling with their child's acting out or "bad" behavior. They and the child or children are stressed out. Their confidence in their abilities to parent has declined and they are frustrated and in distress.

Any family counselor or parent coach should allow parents to:

    Enter a non-blaming zone. No matter how hard we try, sometimes our best effort just doesn't hit the mark. However, that doesn't mean we need verbal "spankings" or to be made to feel guilty by others or by ourselves. The past is the past and we are starting fresh from this point.
    Accept where we are and move forward. The parenting process is a journey. When parents understand how they are currently parenting, can listen to what a counselor or parent coach has to offer, and, then, begin to operate from that perspective, life will get better. Some will make it and others won't. This saddens me, but it is true. We all can't be other than where we are and do what we do. There are natural consequences for both.
    Know that someone is listening. A counselor's or coach's response to any parent who is seeking to improve his or her skills should be unconditional positive regard. It takes a lot for us to be willing to say, "I could be better at this." For that, parents should receive reassurance and compassion about our struggles to be good parents to our child or children.
    Feel validated. We all have fears and frustrations in our parenting journey. Counselors should offer validation of those feelings, but above that, they should offer each parent client the education and tools that we need to build those developmentally-friendly parenting practices. Counselors and coaches should support parents in whatever way and for however long it is needed.

Through parent coaching, we learn and grow, both as individuals and as parents. Learning to parent from a position of love, rather than fear or stress, can bring a new level of confidence in the power of our own self-growth and how that impacts our children and our parent/child relationships.

Working together professionals teach parents to:

    Understand in a new way your own parenting stress: what triggers it; what it triggers; and how it is a reflection of how you were parented.
    Appreciate the immense importance of the parent/child relationship, and embrace the new role of comforter and teacher, rather than punisher and discipliner.
    Incorporate methods of repairing your relationship with your child when you mess up (and mistakes happen to us all, no matter how good we are at parenting).
    Set and keep healthy emotional and physical boundaries.
    Calm your stress through deep breathing and reconnecting to the heart-full love you have for your child(ren).
    Reframe your perception of your child's misbehavior as a form of communication from the child. The child is seeking more parental love, guidance and/or discipline.
    Reconnect with joy and play as you interact with your child each day.
    Approach discipline in a new way always with Safety First.

Following are some parenting tips that you can put into practice right now. I think you'll be surprised at the difference in your parent/child relationship that even seemingly small changes will make.

    Remove children from danger or off-limits areas or items, rather than swatting, hitting or using an object.
    Replace harmful or off-limits objects in an infant or toddler hand (or mouth) with something that is okay for them to have.
    Be preventative and proactive by baby-proofing your living area. You set yourself and Baby up for failure if you keep precious or fragile objects within reach.
    Have a pre-arranged parenting buddy to call when Baby's behavior pushes you near the edge and you feel you are losing control of your 'cool.' You can also set up a predetermined word or phrase to text for help in this area.
    Provide intense supervision, comfort, and calm interactions. Insist upon the same loving care-giving attitudes and practices from daycare workers, family, friends, nannies, and babysitters as you provide to your child.

Foundation for Life

Early experiences influence a child lifelong. These experiences become our beliefs and our beliefs determine our behaviors, even when we don't want them to. Beliefs are self-reinforcing and, one by one, get stacked in our psyche. Our beliefs can be sometimes helpful, sometimes not, and sometimes in conflict.

Beliefs determine our actions. Are we doomed? Can they be changed? Thank goodness the answers are "No" and "Yes." No, we are not doomed, and "Yes" they can be changed. It isn't easy, but it is doable. We have the ability because of neuroplasticity (the ability of our brains to develop and change) to learn and grow and develop ourselves life-long.

Our beliefs about ourselves, others, life, what is possible for us, what isn't possible, whether we are lovable or unlovable, valuable or not valuable, good enough or not good enough, determine what we believe about children, spanking and child development.

As parents, we have to be willing to examine ourselves and our beliefs so that we can change our beliefs, and by doing that, we change the trajectory of our lives and the lives of our children.

Stress Is Not a Calming Interaction
We are a stress and child developmentally illiterate society. We don't understand our own adult stress. As adults, we are able to ignore and deny our bodily sensations and emotions. Because we are able to get through our day and accomplish our survival needs, we seem to think we don't get stressed. That is, until late at night we wonder why our shoulders are so tense and tight or we can't sleep and we need "something" to relax us.
A stressed-out parent cannot calm a stressed-out child.
The Parent Non-Blame Zone
Parents do the best they can with what they know. By the time parents seek counseling or coaching, they have usually spent years struggling with their child's acting out or "bad" behavior. They and the child or children are stressed out. Their confidence in their abilities to parent has declined and they are frustrated and in distress.
Any family counselor or parent coach should allow parents to:

• Enter a non-blaming zone. No matter how hard we try, sometimes our best effort just doesn't hit the mark. However, that doesn't mean we need verbal "spankings" or to be made to feel guilty by others or by ourselves. The past is the past and we are starting fresh from this point.
• Accept where we are and move forward. The parenting process is a journey. When parents understand how they are currently parenting, can listen to what a counselor or parent coach has to offer, and, then, begin to operate from that perspective, life will get better. Some will make it and others won't. This saddens me, but it is true. We all can't be other than where we are and do what we do. There are natural consequences for both.
• Know that someone is listening. A counselor's or coach's response to any parent who is seeking to improve his or her skills should be unconditional positive regard. It takes a lot for us to be willing to say, "I could be better at this." For that, parents should receive reassurance and compassion about our struggles to be good parents to our child or children.
• Feel validated. We all have fears and frustrations in our parenting journey. Counselors should offer validation of those feelings, but above that, they should offer each parent client the education and tools that we need to build those developmentally-friendly parenting practices. Counselors and coaches should support parents in whatever way and for however long it is needed.

Through parent coaching, we learn and grow, both as individuals and as parents. Learning to parent from a position of love, rather than fear or stress, can bring a new level of confidence in the power of our own self-growth and how that impacts our children and our parent/child relationships.
Working together professionals teach parents to:

• Understand in a new way your own parenting stress: what triggers it; what it triggers; and how it is a reflection of how you were parented.
• Appreciate the immense importance of the parent/child relationship, and embrace the new role of comforter and teacher, rather than punisher and discipliner.
• Incorporate methods of repairing your relationship with your child when you mess up (and mistakes happen to us all, no matter how good we are at parenting).
• Set and keep healthy emotional and physical boundaries.
• Calm your stress through deep breathing and reconnecting to the heart-full love you have for your child(ren).
• Reframe your perception of your child's misbehavior as a form of communication from the child. The child is seeking more parental love, guidance and/or discipline.
• Reconnect with joy and play as you interact with your child each day.
• Approach discipline in a new way always with Safety First.

Following are some parenting tips that you can put into practice right now. I think you'll be surprised at the difference in your parent/child relationship that even seemingly small changes will make.

• Remove children from danger or off-limits areas or items, rather than swatting, hitting or using an object.
• Replace harmful or off-limits objects in an infant or toddler hand (or mouth) with something that is okay for them to have.
• Be preventative and proactive by baby-proofing your living area. You set yourself and Baby up for failure if you keep precious or fragile objects within reach.
• Have a pre-arranged parenting buddy to call when Baby's behavior pushes you near the edge and you feel you are losing control of your 'cool.' You can also set up a predetermined word or phrase to text for help in this area.
• Provide intense supervision, comfort, and calm interactions. Insist upon the same loving care-giving attitudes and practices from daycare workers, family, friends, nannies, and babysitters as you provide to your child.

Foundation for Life
Early experiences influence a child lifelong. These experiences become our beliefs and our beliefs determine our behaviors, even when we don't want them to. Beliefs are self-reinforcing and, one by one, get stacked in our psyche. Our beliefs can be sometimes helpful, sometimes not, and sometimes in conflict.
Beliefs determine our actions. Are we doomed? Can they be changed? Thank goodness the answers are "No" and "Yes." No, we are not doomed, and "Yes" they can be changed. It isn't easy, but it is doable. We have the ability because of neuroplasticity (the ability of our brains to develop and change) to learn and grow and develop ourselves life-long.
Our beliefs about ourselves, others, life, what is possible for us, what isn't possible, whether we are lovable or unlovable, valuable or not valuable, good enough or not good enough, determine what we believe about children, spanking and child development.
As parents, we have to be willing to examine ourselves and our beliefs so that we can change our beliefs, and by doing that, we change the trajectory of our lives and the lives of our children.


Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/8020233

Constant Conflict With Your Ex Over the Kids? Maybe You Need a Parenting Ref

Statistically some 80% of separating parents settle their plans for the care of their children between themselves or with some support from mediators or lawyers. Of the remaining 20%, most of these will settle during a court process but before trial. Typically less than 5% of separating parents see their matter go to trial to achieve a final settlement. You would think by that point though, everything would be over and people would get on with living their lives. Not true.

There is a small percentage of parents, estimated at some 1% to 5% who even in the face of a settlement continue to have ongoing conflict regarding the care of their children. Somehow or other, these are the parents for whom something always arises to be of issue.

These are regarded as the highest of the high conflict parents and also statistically, it is not uncommon for one or both to have a personality disorder, anger issues and/or a substance/alcohol abuse issue. This is a parent who may be the proverbial wolf in sheep's clothing, cloaked so as to conceal their hidden nature. It is this small group of separated parents that tie up the vast majority of not only the Court's time, but also time from many other community services including police, child protective services, counseling and medical services and domestic violence shelter services.

Enter the parenting ref. More formally known as a Parenting Coordinator, this is a person most often with a mental health background and a working knowledge of family law. The Parenting Coordinator plays a combination of three roles to help high conflict parents settle disputes and hopefully resolve other issues that give rise to ongoing problems. The roles include educator, mediator and arbitrator.

Playing out their three roles, the Parenting Coordinator is privately contracted by parents to hear and help settle disputes. To settle those disputes, the Parenting Coordinator plies their three roles.

At times education may serve to help the parents achieve a settlement based on a better understanding of the issues between them and impact upon the children. When this is insufficient, then the Parenting Coordinator may help the conflicted parents find some sort of middle ground through the process of mediation. However, when neither education nor mediation resolves the matters at hand, then by contractual agreement, the Parenting Coordinator is empowered by the parents to arbitrate and order a binding solution, as if in a Court of law. The contractual agreement requires the parents to be bound by the binding solution of the Parenting Coordinator.

Given the Parenting Coordinator by definition is working with persons prone to conflict that are unlikely to be satisfied with solutions not of their preference, the Parenting Coordinator can next become the target of scorn by a parent dissatisfied with the imposed solution. While parents may freely enter into a contractual agreement to purchase the service of the Parenting Coordinator, it doesn't mean they will be pleased with the outcome and not turn on their very service provider.

Thereafter the tactics seen used by one parent against the other can be very well directed towards the Parenting Coordinator. The dissatisfied parent may seek to undermine the professional credibility of the service provider to not only wreak revenge but to undo the binding solution.

Included among the strategies of an angry dissatisfied parent to discredit their service provider are postings on the Internet of a spurious and vexatious nature absolutely vilifying the service provider. In addition, the angry dissatisfied parent may also make complaints against the service provider through their licensing body, again with spurious and vexatious allegations of professional misconduct.

It is not uncommon for parents who seek to undermine the professional livelihood and credibility of their service provider to be highly articulate and at least reasonably educated. Ability to articulately present one's views and issues can give an air of credibility to the complaints. However, unbeknownst to the reader of the parent's complaints are the distortions of facts, the twists and concocted allegations and outright lies that are part and parcel of that parent's psychological make-up. In other words, vehemently expressing oneself doesn't mean that what one is expressing actually represents the truth. The sheep's clothing hides the wolf.

Given the bind of confidentiality, this is also not a level playing field. The complaining parent is free to say whatever comes to mind, but leaves the Parenting Coordinator with no means of public defense. Worse still is when a parent with their vitriol can gain media attention and support for their position, given no opposing view can be provided in view of confidentiality provisions.

These things happen in this profession which begs the question as to why anyone would want to take on the job.

The only answer is that Parenting Coordinators care.

In particular, they care about what happens to children subject to ongoing parental animosity and conflict. It is well known in this profession that the most significant indicator of poor outcomes for children of separated parents is unremitting parental conflict. Not only is the Parenting Coordinator an unsung hero in the lives of children subject to ongoing parental conflict, but often the only line of defense tasked with bringing some sense of peace and stability to better assure a reasonable developmental outcome for children who deserve better.

Should you read or hear about the untoward actions of a Parenting Coordinator in the absence of a defense, think twice about taking it at face value. The issues attributed to the Parenting Coordinator may just be the projection of issues originating with the complainant. A complainant's statement doesn't equal a truth.

The 7 Strategies for Determining Your Parenting Plan

The Parenting Plan is the parental agreement setting out how the children will be cared for between separated parents. Most broadly, it stipulates the residential arrangement and how decisions shall be made affecting the child. The parenting plan may also include agreements with regard to extra-curricular activities, education, faith and health. If there are particular needs or wants by either parent or regarding the child specifically those can be included too. In the event parents cannot agree on something that arises upon completion of the Parenting Plan, the plan can also include a statement as to how differences will be resolved. Essentially, the Parenting Plan is the road map that separated parents will follow for the raising of their kids.

The objective in detailing a Parenting Plan is to provide as smooth a parenting path to follow as possible so your children can enjoy a meaningful relationship with both parents to achieve a good developmental outcome - be a well rounded person who gets along with others and is successful in life.

While some parents may fret the details of the plan, the most important determinant to how well children of separated parents develop has less to do with the actual details, including the time lived in each parent's home, faith, choice of school, extra-curricular activity, etc. The most important determinant is actually parental conflict. The greater the conflict between the parents, the greater the risk for a poor outcome for the child. The degree to which parents can find reasonable solutions to their differences, the children are better off. The degree to which parents may find themselves in ongoing conflict, then the greater the necessity or specifying as much detail as possible and the greater the necessity to limit or control for contact between the parents.

As best as possible, parents are encouraged to develop parenting plan between themselves, as opposed to having a plan imposed through court or arbitration which is not to say that court or arbitration may not be necessary, but should be considered a last resort.

The reason for parents to first try and develop a plan between themselves is because no other third party will ever know the details of your life, like yourselves. Further, those plans agreed to between parents tend to be better followed and longer lasting. While a solution may be imposed through court or arbitration, inevitably one or other parent is dissatisfied with the outcome and that parent may try to change it either directly by seeking to return the matter to court or arbitration or indirectly by doing what they want to do anyways. Thus imposed outcomes, do not necessarily end conflict.

Consider these strategies when seeking to resolve a Parenting Plan;

    Sit down privately with the other parent to discuss matters between yourselves:

    If you are concerned about behavior and still want to discuss things directly with the other parent, choose a public place to meet or include a mutually agreed upon person to join you. This can be someone you both trust in a professional capacity, your clergy, a counselor, a mutual friend (who is able to remain neutral);

    Meet with a trained counselor whose expertise is helping separated parents communicate between themselves;

    Meet with a mediator whose expertise includes working with separated parents. A mediator is a professional whose expertise is helping people in conflict reach agreements between themselves by working with them together, even though the notion can be anxiety producing. You only need to be willing to try. You don't have to believe that yourself or the other parent will actually come to an agreement. In fact, more often than not, people who attend mediation are of the opinion that it is "the other person" who will not be ale to reach an agreement, yet most matters do settle or at least are narrowed down by the process;

    Retain "collaborative" lawyers and sign a participation agreement. Collaborative lawyers are trained in helping people find solutions to their differences without the threat of going to court. Like mediators, they work outside of the court system and can help you craft specific agreements taking into account the particulars of your situation. Also like mediation, collaborative lawyers and parents meet and work together to arrive at mutually acceptable solutions;

    Lawyer assisted negotiation is more for those persons who will not meet together. Each parent tells their own lawyer their view of the situations and what they hope to achieve. The lawyers then negotiate between themselves on your behalf. With this approach, you may never know how well your lawyer represented your situation and you may not be privy to their actual communication with the other lawyer. In the hands of a killed negotiator who themselves will remain civil, respectful and not inordinately demanding but conciliatory, this can lead to a resolution. However, this approach is at risk of actually inflaming conflict and the parents will likely never achieve the degree of specificity they may desire because the lawyers will never be as intimately connected to your situation. If you use this approach, ask to read every letter your lawyer sends on your behalf before it is sent. Angry demand letters produce angry demanding responses. Know what is being sent as those letters will represent you to the other parent. Unfortunately, in many cases, lawyer assisted negotiation increases conflict and is a prelude to litigation

    Litigation is the option of last resort where the final outcome is fully in the hands of a third party, be it a judge or an arbitrator (private judge). Litigation often entails the telling of respective stories from the past that may have little to do with the present situation, but presents each parent in the worst possible light. This can hurt relationship beyond repair. However and with arbitration specifically, you at least get to choose who hears your case and typically people choose an arbitrator who has particular expertise in the area of concern. However, arbitration is a privately paid service and hence may be more expensive than court, particularly if both parents include their lawyers. Arbitration can be less costly though if the parents share the cost and attend on their own. There are many pro's and con's to attending court or arbitration and with or without legal representation.

Be careful who you seek advice from to determine which approach is best for you. There can be considerable bias towards the service one offers. To determine what is best for you, it is advisable to speak with several mediators, collaborative lawyers and litigators. Beware of hollow promises and keep in mind that agreements made between the parents directly, no matter how they are assisted, tend to be better followed and longer lasting.

Why Parents Should Put Children Before Marriage

We live in an age when love, sex and intimacy seem to be many people's epitome of happiness. Yes, we seek other ways to find happiness and fulfillment, but the rate of divorce and the percentage of single parent families compared with two-parent families tells me that parenting is either of less importance to parents than marriage or that they are uninformed about the effects of divorce on their children. Parents who leave an unhappy marriage for the sake of their children are not in possession of all the facts or are misguided in their belief that divorce is in the best interest of the children. The best wisdom out there says that children of divorce suffer more than children of unhappy marriages.

Here are 7 reasons why parents should put parenting before marriage.

1. Children need two parents more than they need a perfect home

The influence of both a male and female parent on a child's development cannot be understated. A good mother, on balance brings a nurturing, protecting and comforting aspect to a child's life, while a good father brings his child stability, security and strength. Mothers tend to be more emotional, fathers more rational. Mothers tend to be more understanding, fathers more decisive. A good mother may offer her child a shoulder to cry on while a good father may show his child how to get up and move on.

Of course, a good parent possesses all these qualities and shares the responsibility for providing their child with all their needs. But it is in the nature of a male parent to provide a child with answers and solutions and direction while it is more inherent in a female parent to be protective of a child's emotional well-being and to be a good listener without feeling the need to give her child a logical solution to their problem.

Having both a male and female parent present in the home teaches a child how to explore and develop both the masculine and feminine aspects of their own character. In balanced adults there is a healthy presence of both male and female characteristics. In women, the balance will tend to be more feminine and in men, more masculine. If a child is to have the best chance to develop emotional stability then two parents are needed on a daily basis. Even the slightest change in the balance will have an adverse effect on a child's emotional and intellectual development.

2. A child has a right to be brought up by two parents

Marriage is a choice that two people make for themselves. It is rarely a selfless or altruistic act. People marry because they find someone who brings them happiness and fulfilment in life. Of course, there is also the promise to live to make the other person happy. Even though the phrase "for better or for worse" is still often said in the marriage vows, more and more this promise is being broken as married couples find it's a promise they are unable or unwilling to keep.

However, when a child is born into the marriage, it has rights which far outweigh the needs of the parents. Even though a couple desire to be fulfilled in their personal relationship with each other, a child has the right to be brought up by two loving, caring, selfless parents: parents who put their child's interests before their own.

Parents rarely make a commitment to their children when they are born, but children ought to expect that their parents will do whatever it takes to give them a stable, loving home in which to grow and develop. In a good parent, the rights and needs of their child will always come before their own, whatever the cost to themselves.

3. To be a parent is a moral obligation - not a choice

There is never a time as long as a parent and a child are living when they will not be connected. Even if estranged, a parent will always be the parent to their child. There is no divorcing a child. There is no saying to a child 'I'm sorry, I don't love you anymore, this simply isn't going to work'. But when two parents say that to each other, they are in some measure saying it to their child. Parents may put a spin on divorce by saying to the child 'it's better for you in the long run' but the truth is - it isn't. A child's perspective will be 'you don't love me enough to stay together and make your marriage work' - even if only subconsciously. While some may say 'I'm glad my parents split up - I couldn't stand the shouting', what would they have said if their parents had found a way to make the marriage work in order to keep the family home together? Or are they even aware of the effects that growing up in a broken home has had on them?

The love between a husband and wife can wane or even be extinguished, but the love of a good parent is unconditional and unmovable. A marriage can breakdown and be dissolved, but the love that a good parent has for their child can never be diminished and their commitment to their child can never be undermined or broken. The commitment that a parent has to their child is not one based on choice, it's one based on moral obligation. It would be even better if it were based on unconditional love. What lengths would a good parent go to to provide their child with the very best upbringing they could if they truly loved them more than themselves?

4. A child deserves and expects it

During their formative years, children depend upon both parents to show that they are committed to them. They need to see that they are loved and to know that their home is stable and secure. They need to know that no matter what storms the family has to face together, the foundations of the family home cannot be shaken. Children need the certainty that the love their parents have for them comes above their own personal happiness - that it indeed comes before their love for each other. When a parent puts a child's interests second to their own it will make their child feel unloved and second-rate. The child will begin to doubt their own worth and their value to the parent. After all, what kind of love puts someone else second?

If a child doesn't deserve a parent's unconditional and undying love then who does? Children are vulnerable and need protecting. Parents have a responsibility to give their child the best parenting they possibly can whatever the cost to themselves. A child has no reserves on which to draw to cover the emotional shortfall which results from growing up in a broken home. Parents, on the other hand should be prepared to go into emotional debt if they have to in order to make sure their child does not grow up emotionally poor or crippled.

5. Spouses can expect too much from each other, but children never expect too much from their parents.

Marriages are not perfect, neither are parent-child relationships. But a child deserves understanding, provision, support, affection, and security moreso than a spouse. After all, when two people get married, they make an agreement to love each other and provide for each other's needs. When a child is born, no such agreement takes place. A child simply grows up expecting all that's coming to them. When one person in a marriage fails to uphold their part of the agreement, the other has every right to withdraw their own part of the agreement. So often, when the love that one has for the other depends on what they 'get' out of the relationship, if they ain't 'getting' then the love dies. But this only works one way with a child-parent relationship.

When a child fails to be a perfect child, a parent cannot abandon them or withdraw their love from them. The child still has the right to expect to be loved unconditionally. Children owe nothing to their parents, but parents owe everything to their children. If a child fails to love a parent as they would like to be loved, the parent must go on loving their child nonetheless. The child has no debt of love to pay to the parent. But if a parent loves their child unconditionally, that child will grow up to love their parent too. If a parent fails to love their child more than themselves, the child will withdraw from the parent to a greater or lesser degree.

Even though good parents will fail their child in some measure, a child's expectations of the parents are always right - even if unrealistic. Good parents will always understand that they are not married to their child - they are inextricably connected and committed to their child and that a child has a birthright to expect unreserved love and commitment from their parents regardless of how much a child returns their parents' affections or lives up to their expectations.

6. A broken home results in a broken child

Somewhere along the way, when a child is brought up by one parent or by two parents who live apart, something in the child is lost or broken. Having two parents who could not find it in themselves to stay together to give them a stable home will have a detrimental effect on a child. It may not emerge till later in life, but a person from a broken home may find it difficult to make strong emotional connections with others. Statistics show that people from single-parent homes are less successful in life - even years afterwards - than those from two-parent families.

While parents may argue that they split up for the child's sake, in actuality, it's rare that divorce ever benefits a child. Growing up in a home even where parents are disconnected or in constant disagreement gives a child more stability and normality than growing up where they have to deal with the loss of the two-parent home. A child growing up in a broken home grows up grieving for the intact home where two parents are available on a daily basis to provide them with the moral, emotional and intellectual support essential to their development and nourishment. The best parenting cannot be done over the telephone or on weekends. The best parenting is done on a daily basis and in partnership with the other parent. No matter how parents try to justify divorce, it will nearly always result in a broken child.

7. Putting parenting first may save a marriage

Children should never be used as an excuse not to leave a marriage, but they can be the reason why a parent would stay in a marriage. The difference is that if a parent knows that to provide their child with a stable, loving and peaceful home in which to grow up will give them the best possible start in life, it may give them the resolve they need to work harder at their marriage than if they had not been a parent. Whereas, not leaving a marriage for the sake of a child is a mindset which can result in a parent putting too much responsibility on their child to bring them personal happiness.

If parents can proactively take steps to make a marriage workable so that their child has the home they deserve, they may find that their marriage becomes less of a disappointment. Focusing on the needs of their child and resolving to work at their relationship for the sake of their child doesn't necessarily mean that the marriage is false or a sham. It merely shifts the priorities of the marriage. Nor does it mean that the child carries the burden of keeping the marriage together. It merely requires a level of giving to the child that supercedes the parents' desire to take from each other. Providing a child with a good home is one of the best reasons two people can stay together.

Who said that romance or sex or a great social life are the only reasons to be married? Surely, providing a child with a loving home is as good, if not, a better reason for working at a marriage than all the others put together? The result of working at the marriage wouldn't be to prevent the pain of separation for the parents, it would be the enduring and immeasurable investment that they make in the well-being and personal development of their child. If parents can keep their child the focus of their ambitions and desires, they can find ways they otherwise wouldn't have done to make their marriage workable and as enjoyable as possible and thus provide their child with the parents and the home they deserve.

When Parent Involvement Is Not Optional

I use this term because it is unique from the traditional procedures of finding residential help for struggling teens. These are troubled children who have enough problems they need a residential experience where they cannot manipulate their parents or others around them. To be successful with these children the residential program must have skilled staff working with them 24 hours a day. Traditionally, when a parent had an "acting out" child, the usual procedure was to go to some professional for help. The parent might go to a Doctor, hoping the Doctor could find a place or therapist that would help, or go to State Social Services and hope the problem was serious enough that the state would place the child in a suitable place. Or, if the child was doing something illegal, the parent might even report the child hoping the court system and Juvenile Justice could give him/her the help needed. In this traditional procedure, the professional was the decision maker and the parents were mostly passive bystanders in both finding a suitable place and in the treatment. The model these professionals often had were the parents were the problem, and professionals were the solution.

Although society has come a long way from those days, I still at times find this old attitude on the part of some professionals who by their actions, and sometimes by their words, seem to be telling the parents - "You screwed up your kid. Bring him/her to us, don't bother us, and we'll fix the child."

With this attitude and philosophy, parents are optional. Of course, many professionals working with kids, placed by professionals, make attempts to involve the parents in the intervention. Still, everybody knows parents involved with this kind of program are optional, powerless and could be removed from the intervention at any time some professional thinks they are being a bother. The only antidote to this sense of powerlessness is Parent Empowerment through the parents having real responsibility and power in decision-making regarding their child.

All the research I've read has concluded the most important factor in a child's education, healing or even just growing up is the involvement of the parents. The Internet is full of tips and ideas for professionals about how to get parents more involved in both their children's schools and in his/her healing. The problem is most of these efforts are attempts to get parents to do what the professionals want done, in the way the professionals want. The net result is that parents are still relatively powerless, with limited responsibilities, and they often act accordingly - with lukewarm involvement. Not only do parents in this situation sometimes feel powerless and thus show modest interest, they sometimes also get the sense of entitlement - which means they think they deserve the service without having to do anything on their own.

One example that comes to mind is a situation I watched when a public school district needing money for play ground equipment for the children asked the school parent group to help. A chili feed was put together and financially it was a success, raising enough money for the equipment. This was good, but I noticed among the parents were doctors, lawyers, contractors and many other parents with successful careers.

Surely those successful parents had more to offer the school system and the students than simple duty as short order cooks, waiters and waitresses! However, at this time this was the only way the local educators would allow parents to be actively involved. In essence, parent involvement was structured to be limited and controlled. A similar dynamic occurs in most public funded programs for troubled teens. The parents, knowing they have little or no say tend to get into the mindset of expecting the professionals to "fix" their child and that it has little or no relationship to their own parenting.

The dynamics are entirely different when parents have responsibility in both the selection of a service and in the treatment or education of a child. When parents see that they have some say and responsibility in the situation, most parents will rise to the occasion and take more responsibility for the success of their child. And if the parents are reluctant to exercise responsibility, it is the responsibility of the program to help educate the parents in how to work with the program and to explain the advantages to both parent and child of this parent involvement. At least this has been what the schools and programs in the network I work with have found. Of course some parents will not or cannot participate, but this is no excuse to exclude all parents and eliminate the positive effect of having those parents actively involved.

These schools and programs have found the best way to get parent involvement is to start by having the parents exercise a vital say in the selection of a school or program for their child. Parents can choose the program they want their child to be in, and if they are disappointed with the performance of the staff, they have the power and responsibility of changing their mind and finding a different place for their child. Although there are exceptions, most of the time parents make good decisions, especially when they take advantage of professional help like engaging a competent professionally trained and experienced independent educational consultant or the program takes on the task of educating the parent in what they can do to help their child by working with the program. What initiates all these positives is the ability of parents to choose to place their child on their own, without needing to ask permission from some professional or to allow a situation to deteriorate until the State needs to take action.

Another thing many of these schools and programs do are welcome the parents as part of the solution by organizing parent-child workshops at the program and some even put the parents on a parallel program so they are experiencing much the same things as their child. This level of involvement encourages greater parent commitment to their child's healing and education, and prepares the parent to be better able to understand and work with their child both in the program and when he/she comes home. By facilitating the parent and child sharing in the experience, the parent-child bond is enhanced.

Many therapies are oriented to working with the child as a part of the family system. This is not only compatible with Parent-Choice, but is a natural extension of it. When parent involvement is successful in any stage of intervention or education, the family is strengthened, the child is healing or maturing, and parenting becomes the rich experience it was meant to be.

This can only be accomplished when the parents are accepted as full partners in their child's healing and education. The program actively helping the parents to be responsible for some of the experience is the only effective way to accomplish this.

Thus, Parent-Choice is not just an idle slogan, or just a technique, but a breakthrough in successful healing and education for a child with problems. These lessons learned are not just for "troubled" children, but are helpful to every child to grow up to become a healthy and functional adult. The first step is for the parent to take responsibility for the placement of their child when it is needed by choosing where the child will be placed. Continuing this attitude by professionals accepting parents as partners in the school or program experience is a natural and effective continuation.

Ten Points to Reduce the Stress of Parenting

Parenting is the most difficult and most important job we ever do. Unfortunately, despite the degree of difficulty and importance of the work, no one teaches us how to do it. Fortunately, there are many child raising experts who can help. I will mention a few experts; whose work I believe is valuable, throughout this article and I encourage readers to find experts whose work they like.

• Parents must be healthy, physically and psychologically. When parents feel comfortable with who they are they are free to give their children true, deep, unconditional love. Parenting is not about the parents, no child has ever asked to be born. A child's very existence is the responsibility of the parents, and it is the parent's responsibility to raise their children using healthy parenting skills. Parents must be able to understand why children behave as they do and not take a child's (from 1 day old to 18 years) behaviors personally. Jean Piaget made wonderful progress in the understanding of child development. A child's behaviors are not about the parent, and it's the parent's responsibility to help children learn how to manage their thoughts, feelings and behaviors, so they can grow up to be healthy members of society. This takes tremendous self-awareness from parents. Self awareness leads to awareness and understanding of others.

• Unconditional love involves praising children as much and often as possible. This does not mean unrealistic praise, because children intuitively know when they have not earned praise. It does mean age appropriate praise. So, when an infant focuses on someone's face and smiles at the person, praise is appropriate, because the infant is just beginning to learn how to interact. It is appropriate to praise babies when they take their first steps, because walking is a skill they need to learn. Praising a toddler for making scribbles on a piece of paper is appropriate, because the toddler is just learning how to do this. Victor Lowenfeld defined the stages of art development children go through. Praising toddlers for eating a few bites of healthy food, before they get a sweet is appropriate, because although babies crave sugar, it is important for them to learn how to eat healthy food. Praising a three-year-old for learning to use the potty is appropriate. The human brain is not fully formed until we are in our early 20s. Praising children, appropriately and according to their stage of growth, is important throughout childhood. This builds their self esteem and happier children reduce the stress of parenting.

• Playing with children is another way to give them unconditional love. The more you enjoy playing with your children the less stressful your job will be. Playing with your children is bonding with them, which parents and children need. Indeed, there is a book titled; "Play; How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination and Invigorates the Soul," by Stuart Brown and Christopher Vaughn. One of the chapters is titled "Parenthood is Child's play." Doing some research about play with children will help you use approaches to playing with them that are age-appropriate. Learning about age-appropriate play is an investment in your relationship with your children which will help you feel less stressed. It is also important to play with children using a variety of areas of play so they may become well-rounded adults. If you like using art supplies, it is best to start using those supplies with children, early, during their formative years, because they will grow into enjoying that sort of activity. The same is true with physical activity. If that is something you want your children to learn to enjoy, the earlier you begin to teach them how to enjoy physical activity, the better. Play is not something that can be forced. If you want your children to enjoy swimming, don't try to force them to do it. If they don't seem to enjoy doing it now, but see that you enjoy doing it (by example) they may take it up later in life. Music is another area of play that can bring great pleasure to most people. However, if it is forced on children they might rebel against it and never get to enjoy it. Parenting is a balancing act!

• Sharing the responsibility of parenting with at least one other person should reduce the stress of parenting. Preferably, both parents are involved, and both are physically and psychologically healthy and mature. When two parents are involved it is important for them to discuss parenting techniques to learn what they can agree on, and where they disagree and need to negotiate. Children are brilliant at splitting parents, if they know their parents disagree about something. For instance, if one parent does not believe it is important for children to eat their vegetables before they get their desert, the children will do their best to get that parent to make decisions over the other parent. That can cause dissension between the parents, and an unhealthy, stressful situation is set up. When parents are in extreme disagreement with each other, about how to raise children, the stress in the family increases tremendously. Parents must learn how to work with one another.

• Rules, limits and boundaries are everywhere in society. Freedom is not free. To have some semblance of order in society, we need rules, limits and boundaries. Raising children without rules, limits or boundaries sets them up to fail in a society where rules, limits and boundaries are necessary and in use. Because it is against our laws to assault another person, children need to learn how to treat other's with respect. It is imperative for parents to discuss with each other what rules, limits and boundaries they want to use. This can begin with parents writing out a list of what they value in life and what they want their children to value in life. Do you value sharing with others? Then you will want to teach your children how to share. Do you value the earth? You will want to teach your children how to live without polluting too much. Do you value kindness? You will want to teach your children how to be kind. These are just a few of the various areas that parents need to discuss and come to some sort of agreement about. Do you value independence? Then your children need to learn how to take care of their belongings and space, beginning in their toddler years. Putting toys away at the end of playtime is a valuable self care skill that toddlers can do and completing that helps them feel self confident.

• Learning positive discipline techniques is also important for parenting that reduces stress. Many good books about positive behavioral disciplining techniques have been written. My favorite technique is called "extinction." During the formative years, extinction is done by ignoring behaviors you do not want to continue. Give a behavior that you don't like, less attention, and it will eventually dissipate. This can be hard for many people, and I have had more luck with that technique than with any other. Another positive technique is to talk about the behavior that you don't like, instead of the child. For instance, if a child is standing next to you, in the house and is bouncing a ball, it is preferable to say something like, "Bouncing balls is done outside" instead of "You are annoying me!" In the first statement, the parent is talking about the behavior and making a clear rule. In the second statement, the child is held responsible for the parent's feeling. If parents try to make children responsible for their feelings, children will feel overburdened, defensive and become rebellious. Parents raise the level of stress in the home when they hold children responsible for their own feelings. Children cannot be made responsible for parent's feelings. Parenting is not about the parents. Haim Ginott wrote about a variety of approaches in three books, "Between Parent and Child" "Between Teacher and Child" and "Between Parent and Teenager." All three of these books have contributed greatly to positive parenting skills.

• The broken record technique is another positive assertive parenting skill. This involves calm, firm repetition of your boundary. Using the example from above, if the child resists the "balls are for bouncing outside" rule, the parent calmly, steadfastly repeats, "Balls are for bouncing outside," over and over until the child complies. If a parent can remain calm and firm, the stress level does not have to go up. Parents can outlast children in sort of battle of wills, because parents are, hopefully, more mature.

• Never talk negatively about children to other's in front of them. One way to understand why this rule is important is to imagine you are with two friends. One of your friends turns to the other one and begins to talk negatively about you, as if you were not there. How would you feel? We need to treat children the way we would like others to treat us. Talking negatively about children to other people in front of the children is shaming the children. If we need to discuss children's difficult behaviors, we can do so in a different room. When we treat children as well as we would like to be treated, we teach them positive social skills. We can teach children how to use, "Please" and "Thank-you" as soon as they begin to learn how to talk. The most important way to teach children how to be polite is by doing the same for them. When a toddler gives you something, always say "thank you". You are showing the child appreciation for the generous and thoughtful behavior of giving. If you treat that behavior as if the child is being giving and what they have given you is a gift, the child is learning how to be giving and how to say, "Thank-you." It is always important for us to treat our children with the utmost of respect, that is how they learn they are worthy of respect and to treat others with respect. Talking about children negatively in front of them is disrespectful. Hitting children is disrespectful. When parents behave this way toward children, they are increasing the stress of parenting.

• Pick and choose your battles. This concept is important to understand. The more you fight against, or criticize your children (you are the leader of the parent/child relationship, so you have the power to decide whether or not to criticize/fight) the more stressful parenting is. Therefore, it makes sense to decide what behaviors are worth fighting to change, what behaviors are worth encouraging or discouraging, and what behaviors are worth leaving alone. When a parent stops to think about it, many behaviors can be left alone. Fortunately, the ability to do this connects with the positive, behavioral, extinguishing technique listed above. So, if you decide that a behavior is not worth the fight, and choose to leave it alone, it will probably diminish. Because it is important to encourage children to eat a healthy diet, get enough sleep, share with each other, learn how to resolve conflicts with each other, and go to school; these behaviors are probably worth fighting for. Smaller behaviors that can be left alone might include behaviors that the parent just finds annoying. If a parent finds the behavior annoying, he/she should try to cope with it, instead of criticizing the child. For instance, it is normal for children to make noises. When children make noises it is a sign that everything is okay. Another example; when a child rolls her eyes after being corrected. All human beings, including children, have a right to all their feelings. When a parent scolds or corrects a child, the child will have a feeling in response. It's important to allow the child to have that feeling. That is especially true if the child follows the parent's direction. If she followed the parent's direction, the parent can allow the child to have her feelings and not take it personally. Pick and choose your battles. Relax and allow some things to slide.

• Be consistent and persistent. Children need structure. When children know that a parent is going to consistently follow a schedule and certain rules, they know what to expect next. This gives them the freedom to be creative within the structure created by the parent. They know what to expect, so they can relax and enjoy whatever they are doing. A persistent parent is able to stand by his or her rules firmly. A persistent parent does not allow herself to get frustrated if she has to tell children to do something 3, 5, 10, 20 or more times. This is when a parent can use the broken record technique. A persistent parent does not give in, unless there is a very good reason to do so. Children feel safer when they are with parents who are genuinely, calmly in charge. Parents who are consistent and persistent create a safe haven for their children. Parents who are in charge do not lose their temper or hit their children. When a parent loses his temper, he has raised the stress level for everyone. When a parent feels that angry and frustrated, he needs to take a time out for himself. Dr. Ross Greene is an expert who has developed many good approaches to problem solving with children.

The most important method for reducing the stress of parenting is through loving your children unconditionally. It is a child's job to grow up and become independent. It is normal for children to resist doing what their parents ask. If parents can be calm, persistent and firm about their most important requests, most children will comply, eventually. Children, who are receiving unconditional love, do not want their parent's disapproval. At the same time, they want to be independent. Parenting is a balancing act. The more a parent learns to understand children, the easier the job will be. Parents need to read as much as possible about child development.

Understanding children is easier with the help of experts. When parents know how normal children's behaviors are, they can relax and accept the behaviors that bother them more easily, despite feeling frustrated by those behaviors. Parents can then take care of their own feelings and the stress of parenting is reduced. It is well worth any parent's time to do some research to find experts they agree with. I believe that we have an inherent desire to be "good enough" parents. Most of us want be good parents and do as good a job, or better than the job our own parents did. That is a very healthy desire. It is well worth taking the time to learn more about it and to confront ourselves, when we are behaving out of feeling stressed, and change for the better.